Monday, October 20, 2014

Why I Run

I never wanted to run, 
I never liked to run, 
I never felt a need to run
Some of my worst night sweats are induced by dreams of not reaching a goal, or getting out of a situation, or not being able to save someone, due to an inability to run.

Running has never been important, or noteworthy, or even contemplated. I actually wanted to run from the very idea of it (puny i know)

Now, I love to run, I itch to run, I ache from not running
I crave the rush, the sore feet, and the flushed face.
I crave the quiet, of the crisp air passing by my headphones. The rhythmic clap of my sneakers on the pavement while Bono and Adam Levine Sing me to the next mile.

Sometimes i wonder when the change happened. How is it possible that this is now my go-to stress relief? How in the world did we get to a point where I, Sara Doenges, choose a run over a date with Jillian Michaels' Shred video? 

I figured it out. When I was young, living in Rural New England, my sports were Biking in the summer, and skating in the winter. Both involved speed, a steady breeze, and the rush. My face feeling flushed with heat, from the cold, the wind, and the work of keeping up that pace. The better i got at skating, the better I wanted to get. The more tricks I could master, to more I wanted to learn. The faster I could go on my bike, the longer I wanted to go. The higher hills I could climb meant more speed races down them. 
I have always loved speed, and adrenaline, and the RUSH. 
These days, in Ohio, Ice skating is sorta hard to find, especially on a regular basis. Biking is good, but so flat, and not very scenic, and too many cars. So, what is one to do?
I run, I started running to train for one race. To get myself out of a rut of depression. It worked, all science tells us that exercise makes so many things better, including the brain, it also boosts your mood, medically, and mentally. So i trained. 
I signed up for a half marathon, and ran 9.5 miles of it until my knee gave out. 
It was the biggest rush! Bigger then the Tough mudder, since I was running it mostly alone, and running, really running most of it. It was a personal thing, me and the road. 
I had my Bestie in the race with me, but she was doing her personal thing, at her pace.
This is what I love about running, you do it together, but it's still your thing, and everyone knows it. There is no judgment, there is only support, and applause, and pride in every mile conquered, every time shaved off.
 I have recovered from my knee injury, and from a broken foot. I now am getting back into it. SLOWLY
I love the rush. The flushed face, the feeling that I told myself to keep going, and i did. 
Now, I want to run, 
I LOVE to run. 
Every mile I get past, makes me crave the next one. 
Every time I put up is one step to the next Personal Best.
I may not LOOK like a runner should look, I don't keep a pace like you would imagine a runner keeping, but it doesn't matter, because 
My Pace, My Race, 
I am running and I am loving it.

Sara Doenges 
Oct 20 2014 

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Bare-feet at Twilight .... leave footprints in the dew.

       Once in a while, a child is conceived who is so frail, and innocent, and heavenly perfect, God cannot let it be exposed to the evil of this world.

        It is in these precious, tiny miracles that we see glimpses of heaven. It is in these dark, soul searching times of grief, that we taste God's mercy. In the veil of tears, as we ask the "why", we know, this child will be loved, sitting atop the very lap of God. Our questions turn from, "Why this pain?" to, "Why does He love us so much that He would give us this glimpse of Heaven?" "Why does He even care about my soul?"
      He is the giver, He is the time keeper, He is the great Physician.
     With these facts in place, we can gaze into the still face of this child, whom we wanted so badly, we weep, and we can say..
"Thank you for this moment"


***This was written from a real place of pain, from a moment in time that took me many years to come to terms with, a time that, to be perfectly honest, I don't fully understand still. It was also written in a moment of great faith. I do not in any way claim to have this kind of faith on a regular basis. I am human, and grow more skeptical the older I get, and the more of Life that i see. I think this little nugget of writing I found in a notebook today shows what I am capable of. What faith can do for one's soul. I know I have many friends and family who KNOW the type of moment this prose was written about, and so I share it. To possibly help, or heal, or just maybe give another perspective. ***

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

"..don't get too close, It's dark inside.."

Last night, as i laid in bed, I looked up into the sky, and saw a single twinkling star. I immediately thought of Peter Pan, probably because I'm still reeling from the death of one of my favorite actors, but honestly, every time I stop long enough to actually LOOK at a star, the first thing i think is, "second star to the right.." in his voice.
I am sad, so terribly sad that he is gone, his genius, his light, his honesty. I will work hard to be sure my kids see his work, and hear his messages in his movies. I want my kids to be able to laugh at themselves, Robin Williams taught me how to do that, I hope I can teach them as well.
The part that makes me the saddest, is that he was in pain. This disease he battled, of depression, it is an evil bitch. It chews up it's victims, and it is so very hard to get out unscathed.
Two comments on Facebook made me think long and hard, and I just wanted to say some words, from my own experience.

The first was, "Why do the truly brilliant ones have so many demons?"

the second was, something about how this death should bring to light the number of "ordinary or, un-famous people who battle the same thing every day, and end the same way, and lets try to help.

I was thinking about the first one alot. I have dealt with depression most of my life. I didn't know what it was in my childhood, it didn't stem from some terrible home life, or tragic events, or any of that. This is probably why it took so long for me to realize WHAT I was dealing with. I have demons. I call them voices, a very good friend said maybe I should find another word so i don't sound quite so nutty. I suppose you could call it an inner dialogue. It is constant, it is loud, sometimes its quiet, but always there, always questioning me, and telling me every thing i did wrong, or could have done better. It sits and waits with baited breath while people say nice things, and shoots them down, like darts to balloons. it's painful, and exhausting, and some days, it wins. Actually, it wins alot.
I wonder, if the reason people who are so talented at humor, or acting, or imagining, do it because their brain is already on overdrive. It already goes to places you cant imagine. Deep, dark, sad places that "normal people" can't even fathom going to. Its a coping mechanism, it's almost necessary, to create other worlds, other ways of seeing things. Our brain is different, we need to laugh, we need to go somewhere that isn't real. Reality sucks, and our brains are quite adept at shooting down every good thing that exists, but if we create other worlds, by reading Gone with the wind, the hobbit, CS Lewis, Tom Clancy, Hunger Games, these are all epic worlds we can hide in. Neverland, disney, Jumamji, mary poppins, anne of green gables, little women. All places I have spent much time lost in. Us everyday people just watch and get lost in it. I can't imagine the joy of creating these kinds of places, or being part of bringing them to life for other people. Almost like a clean slate, here is a life you can live for a little while, and you are free, for that time, of the demons, you are free to use your brain in new ways, until it's over, then you are back in the real world, where the voices are waiting to tell you how lame that whole thing was, and how no one will probably even like it, or see it, and don't get your hopes up, it'll flop. I'm pretty sure that was a constant thread in this Actors mind. It's so sad isn't it? All the lovely memories we have of his life. All the characters we love, the things we saw him do with the troops, and St judes, and Sesame Street! He just couldn't really grasp the love, or respect, or gratitude, the voices sucked it all away.

Which, brings us to the second comment. It's true, so many people suffer from depression, or some form of mental disorder. It really is a disease, it really does cripple it's victims. I know, I've dealt with it. Ive had some pretty low points in my life, made lower, and deeper and so much more painful by this disease. It makes it harder to climb out. The social stigma is damning, the way people react is painful sometimes, we have so much pain inside already, reaching out to us just seems like way to much work, much too risky, no need to cause myself more pain if I get rejected. We can feel rejected by people who don't even know what we are going through. Many times, its a case of "Its not you, it's me".
I think people need to spend more time listening, and less time judging. Less time talking about the things the people do to cope, and more time asking how they can help. Less time feeling sad, more laughing. If Robin Williams did one thing well, it was making us laugh. Yes it was a coping mechanism, yes it stemmed from insecurity, but it was a gift, even if he didn't know it. let's laugh more. I like laughing, i like to get people laughing, it is a good thing.

I don't know how much sense this makes to anyone, my demons just told me to erase the whole thing and go back to bed with an advil cuz I'm a crazy chick with nothing to say. Such downers those guys are, geeez!

R.I.P Robin William, and thanks :) " .... second start to the right, and straight on till morning..."

Saturday, June 07, 2014

Bitches and hoo.........oooh wait sorry

Sorry if that offends you, you should probably leave now then. 

I'm tired, tired of "mom battles" of grown up high schoolers , of cliques, of ignorance. It exhausts me. None of it has a place in a well balanced, meaningful, grown up life. 

I am not saying I'm old. I'm the youngest nearly 40 yr old person I know. But I'm an adult, I have real shit to deal with, I am terribly sorry if my schedule doesn't give you time to add chaos and more crazy to my life. 

Seriously. Yes, I am being slightly obtuse, but blatant at the same time. I'm me, I was taught by a southern gentleman to be polite but for the love of all that is right, DO NOT be a door mat to other peoples stupidity. 

So anyway. I deal with this waaaaay too often now that I live in suburbia, and have relationships with sports parents and school people and it's exhausting. 

I said all that to say, 

Dude. I'm exhausted. 

Friday, February 07, 2014

Not feelin' the Love here people ....

Can we just talk about Valentines? Seriously, UGH! The whole process looses it's charm when they are so stinkin expensive, and you can't make them for much cheaper, even if you kids were ok with being the ONE kid in the classroom with no pop character or candy, or tattoo, or sticker on theirs.

You have to have one card for each kid in class, because we live in the age of, 'life isn't fair so we will bend over backwards to make sure you never know that until it's too late", and to be sure you don't miss anyone, you get a class list sent home to you at the beginning of the month. THANK YOU teachers! They obviously know their students, and that poor mom CANNOT rely on the child's memory to get every name in the room, and spelling, well, these days, that's a whole other post.

Ok, buying, now we know how many, lets shop! I shop alone, no kids, my son is now 10, in 3rd grade, and thats how long it took me to get that part right. Yes, the idea of letting them pick their own is lovely, yes, they should show their own identity, but, that's all out the window when they get to the store and want the newest ones, the 3D ones with bracelets and stickers and flashing noses, and i thought i saw some that came with new cars ..(okay maybe im exaggerating, but not by much! ) These NEW ones, are 6$ or more a box, and they only have 10 cards, and your son has 32 kids, plus 2 teachers, so now, you have to spend, 18$ on his, then the same on hers, because, it's not fair if he has flashy ones, and she doesn't! RIGHT!? Right, I know, I'm smart, I go alone.

Now, if it was me, I would buy the cheapest, most run of the mill box with the most cards in it, however, I do have a small amount of sympathy for my kids, and peer pressure, and we are not poor, we can spend a little money, but a LITTLE, just a LITTLE! Now to balance, not feeling like the kid handing out dumb cards, and not wasting money on characters and dumb tattoos that fall off anyway, HATE those things!

Oh! Can we also talk about choices?! Boys get, star wars, legos, star wars legos, angry birds, starwars angry birds, marvel comics, cars, planes, turbo, spider man, batman, solar systems, dinos, on and on and on. girls get, Dora, Disney princess, hello kitty and dogs and cats. That's it. My daughter would give out angry birds if they had some of the girly birds and pigs in there. My son might even hand out dog cards if they weren't TOO cute. I mean seriously people, talk about boxing girls in. geez!

These are just boxes, with cards in them, never mind the other half of the isle, full of snack packs, and candy packs and lollipops and gummies, all made to be able to write on the package and give as a valentine. These I can get behind, IF they weren't SO expensive! Also, back to stereotypes, my son can have spiderman or batman or angry birds, in boxes of 36, awesome, however, all I can get for her is disney princess, or if I want to pay 3x as much, I can do 3 boxes of the Hello Kitty candy. Um, NO!

I ended up with two boxes of Lifesaver candies, one is pops, one is big gummies. They will split the loot, therefore, having the same types of valentines, ones that are yummy, and edible, and no one has to save, and I spent 6$, but not after this entire rant, plus much much more, expletives, and mumblings, and much less cohesive thoughts running through my head. It was NOT a fun time.

Oh, one more thing, I looked up "80's valentines" on google, and found that picture, and I am fairly certain i handed those out one year! trippy.

Happy Valentines Day ....HA! :P